Like most Alcoholics, I hated the words “you are in denial.” To be honest, even though I am now in recovery I still hate the phrase!! Oh I am not arguing that it is not applicable to alcoholics, I just don’t think that the non-alcoholic actually understands what is being said!!

I was NEVER in denial! I can here the sharp intake of breath from “experts” and recovering alcoholics, but I was never in denial. “I” that is the person who is typing this was never in denial! I knew exactly what I was and what I was doing, but my voice was barely heard except in the dark of the night, alone in the spare room or on the sofa, when the other “me” was so numb with booze that he had gone quiet.

“Sh*t Slingers… what the f*ck are you doing?? She won’t put up with this for much longer!! What are you doing to the kids? And the debts, and the efin job!! You are killing yourself… you must get help before it’s too late!!”

It was already too late. Dr Harold C Urschel III in his book “Healing the Addicted Brain” explains “….chronic consumption of alcohol causes the release of overly abundant amounts or the neurotransmitters serotonin and dopamine. These two “pleasure” messengers contribute to the feeling of being high and make you want to get high again. Having large amounts of serotonin and dopamine in circulation is like having millions of little people in your brain all of whom are drinking and having a good time and offering you a beer”

They are screamimg “party party party” …….. “We don’t have a problem!!! She has the problem, we can give up.. we will prove it when this bottle is empty, next week, after the birthday party, tomorrow. The voice of reason is just plain drowned out!! But the voice of reason is still there! “I” just couldn’t be heard!! As the parts of the brain that play major roles in memory, judgement, impulse control, problem solving, and REASONING are damaged by alcohol their voice is drowned out by the parts soaked in serotonin and dopamine. In the early stages of my addiction I remember trying to talk to the addict. To reason with it!! Like the character Gollum in Lord of the Rings, the addict is the louder more aggressive half of a warped and damaged personality. There is a moment in the second book “The Two Towers” where Smeagol (the voice of reason and the original name and person) and Gollum (the addict) fight it out for mastery of the situation. Gollum, full of hate and malice towards Frodo the Hobbit who now has the “Ring” and Smeagol who can see the kindness in Frodo. The addict against the voice of reason! For a brief moment in the film and book the voice of reason gets the upperhand but it does not last. The addict wins and the addict pays the ultimate price. Does the story sound familiar?

So you see “I” was never in denial…. my Gollum was!! And that character… that personality trait… feels like (even now) an entity and I came to realise as I went into recovery that my Gollum had to be treated that way, as a demon bent on subverting me with the sole purpose of destroying everything that I had once believed in.

I learned to physically “zap” that demon every time it reared it’s ugly head in the early stages of my recovery. I imagined watching it being blown to pieces by my a bolt of energy too powerful for it to withstand until it’s appearances became few and far between and “I” was finally back in control and could freely and willingly admit that I had a problem, that I was an alcoholic and would always be an alcoholic and now I was far better off than most the regular drinkers around me.

I can however point out to you the real people in denial? Those who really can’t accept that they have a problem and in whom the voice of reason still has the ability to overcome!! These are the alcohol dependent…. the vast majority of drinkers who drink nearly every day of the week, drink a bottle of wine nightly with their evening meal, who claim they don’t have a problem, who give up every January to prove to friends and family that they can stop drinking but return immediately to their old habits on 1 February, because they can’t. They are the politicians who won’t tighten up  controls on the sale of alcohol, increase the tax on it, because it penalizes the “sensible drinker.” The sensible drinker only drinks on high days and holidays. A hike in the price of drink would have little effect on their ability to buy the odd bottle for their relatively rare treat. It is the regular drinker “in denial” who screams the loudest!!

So please…. when you are trying to help and addict, go easy on the phrase …”you are in denial” and instead explain what is going on inside their heads and help their real voice… the voice of reason get the upper hand once again!